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What the World Will Miss

I have often wondered what kind of man Mason would have grown to be.  Even before he passed, I wondered about it.

My father is a great man.  He's not rich.  He's not in the best of health.  To anybody else, he's just another man walking down the street.  But to me, he is great.  I love him more than I could ever tell him or show him.

He (and my mother, of course) raised me up right.  Tried to instill good values in me and to always do what was right, even though it was usually harder.  I didn't always do what I should have, but feel like I did alright.

I tried to instill those same values in Mason.  I told him from very early on that he had been dealt a bad hand.  He was going to have to work harder than the others just to keep up.  That's just the way things are.  He was a typical little boy I guess, in the sense that he had that typical little boy attitude.  He already knew everything, just as I probably did back in the day, too.

Obviously, since Mason has passed on, we will never know what he would grow up to be.  But, after reading an entry from his funeral page, I feel like I was on the right track.  It reads as follows:

"My son and Mason were classmates this year. We just learned of the heartbreaking news. I had to pull my son out this week for homeschooling due to harassment from other children. Only Mason was different he says. When no other boy would sit with him at lunch or talk to him Mason was always there. Thank you Mason for being a wonderful friend to my son! God bless your family"

Every time I read that, I get a tear down my eye and a smile on my face.  That's the boy I wanted him to be.  That's my little man.

I feel like the world will miss out on something very special.  I know I will.

6 Months Out

Yesterday, we have been 6 months without Mason.  My God, I don't know how we have gotten this far. 

It seems like it was yesterday I was dropping him off at Nana's house.

It seems like a thousand years since I've seen his goofy smile.

Another shitty memory for this very weekend.  Yesterday was the preliminary due date for our 3rd child.  I should be home or at the hospital right now holding a brand new baby.  Today is not a school day, so Mason should be right there with me.  Should be 5 of us.  Now it is only 3.

I'm just completely lost.  It amazes me that people can just continue on with their lives.  Other than just surviving day to day and taking care of my wife and daughter, I don't know how to pick up and move on.

I have barely survived the past 6 months.  How the hell am I supposed to survive the next 30, 40 or 50 years?

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

Anthony Griffith in a not so funny performance:

I wish I could express myself like this.  I can't hardly write about it much less talk about it, especially in front of people......

Prayer

Does Prayer Work?

I am not questioning whether or not God exists, but whether or not prayer works?  I know with all my heart that God exists.  I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  I believe that He died on the cross for my sins.

But, it is also my belief that our lives are pre-determined.  Maybe not every detail of our lives, but the Lord knows what we are going to do lifetimes ahead of when we do it.  So everything is already laid out for us and the decisions we make have essentially already been made.

When we pray, we are usually asking God for something.  We ask for new jobs, more money, winning the lottery, better health and just to continue to look over us in our day to day lives.  When we pray, God listens to our prayers.  Obviously, He decides what to answer and what not to.  Would He modify our 'life path' due to our prayers?

On the other hand, He already knows what we will pray for.  He already knows which prayers will be answered and which will not.  It has all been laid out.

So I ask again.  Does Prayer Work?

Ending it all

Suicide.

Can you think of any reason you would do it?

Can anything in this world be so bad that you would take your own life?

I believe the answer to that is yes.

For the first time, I can understand how people can get to such a low place that they can do the unthinkable.

I am fortunate in the fact that I have a very supportive family.  I know that I can go to them with anything and they will support me or just listen to me.

I am also fortunate that I have my loving wife and daughter.  It's strange that a toddler can keep an entire family together.  I have held it together (for the most part) because of her.

Mason absolutely adored her.  I wish he could be here to see her now.  He would be amazed at how much she has grown.

I know, without a doubt, that I am better off right now because of her.  If it hadn't been for the responsibility of taking care of her needs, I'd be completely lost.  Maybe in the bottom of a bottle.  Maybe sleeping on a cardboard mat under an overpass.  Maybe dead.

Now, I don't want everyone who reads this (both of you) to over react and try some kind of intervention.  I'm not suicidal.  This post was about understanding.  I can understand how people would be driven to do things that are unimaginable to others.

I Love You Mason.  I Miss You.

Hurt

"Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair"

Each day seems to get harder and harder. I miss my boy and nothing will ever bring him back.

Mason was my shadow for 11 years.  I try not to compare losses.  I am curious though as to the differences in them (if there are any).

Like a miscarriage.  Brandi was pregnant earlier this year.  We lost the baby just before Mason passed.  Was that the same?  To me it wasn't.  And yet it was.  I was very upset over losing the pregnancy.  It paled in comparison to losing Mason.

Fortunately, I haven't lost any other children.  I hope I never have to.  Don't know if I could survive that (more on this later).

My uncle passed away last year.  His mother, my grandmother, is still alive and kicking.  Going strong for the most part.  I have wanted to talk with her about it, but I really don't know what to say.  Like me, she has lost a child.  Granted, her 'child' was 67 years old.  But it was still her child.

Is there any difference?  Miscarriage?  Stillbirth?  Infant?  Toddler?  Child?  Teenager?  Young Adult?  Adult?  Senior?  I don't know.  While I am curious, I really don't want to know.  If I have learned anything about this whole ordeal, it is this.  You don't "KNOW" until it has happened to you.  I don't want to experience that again.  I can't experience it again.

I Love You, Son.  I Miss You So Very Much.

39

Had my 39th birthday just the other day.  I'm another year older, something Mason will never be.

I often think about the things Mason will never have.  While I am confident that he is in a much better place and that these little "milestones of life" really don't matter all that much to him, I am still sad that he will not experience them.  And I won't be able to see him experience them.....

• Graduate High School - Mason HATED school.  It was a battle nearly everyday to get him out of bed and ready for school.  Then when homework time come around, it was even worse.  He always told us he didn't need school.  I guess he was right.
• Graduate College - Probably not.  See above.  (although, it would have been forced upon him anyway)
• Getting Married - 
• Having Kids - By far, my 2 greatest days ever were the days Mason and Isabella were born.  His kids would have been my grandchildren.
• Just watching him grow into becoming a man - I'd love to be there for him like my father has always been there for me.

Just a few milestones in life.  There are so many more scattered in between those, so many more that will never happen.

I miss you, Mason.  I will always love you, son.

Too Early

I am very devoted to my work.  I work when I don't have to.  Work is always on my mind.  It just seems natural.

The work that I do, I am kind of a one man show.  I have several people that I depend on to help me make my obligations, but the end result that I supply to my clients, I am the go-to guy.  Now, I am not tooting my own horn here.  There are lots of people out there like me, and they are in similar situations.  I guess what I am saying is, there's not anybody that can just come in and take over seamlessly where I left off with out a lot of time being invested.  And time is something we don't have.

When Mason died, my boss told me to take all the time I needed.  While that was a very kind gesture, it wasn't really practical.  Mason died on April 7th, 2012.  I had a MAJOR project kicking off on April 12th.  It would last for a planned 36 days.

We buried Mason on April 12th.  I took the 13th, a Friday, no less, off to gather my things and head out of town to go back to work.

On Saturday, I returned to work.  While in one regard it was a blessing, I had lots to do and kept my mind busy.  On the other hand, it was a HUGE mistake.  I should have been home and letting things sink in.  In hindsight, I would have asked my boss to bring someone else in.  I could spend a day or two with them and get them the basics down and they could have limped through it.  I really wasn't doing them any good anyway.

After the project was complete, I took 2 weeks off to be at home.  It just wasn't the same.  My wife was already somewhat 'used' to being at home without Mason.  I was just starting that phase.  I was jealous that she was farther along in the grieving process than I was.

4 Months

Damn it.  Tomorrow will be 4 months since Mason passed.  I remember the first time I was away from him for four days.  That was terrible.  I wish I could have those days back.

So far, it hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, it has gotten harder.  I've gotten to the point were I just don't give a shit.  About anything.

When I'm at home, I want to get away.  When I'm away, I want to get home.  I sit here at teh office being totally unproductive.  I've got a job to do and I can't do it.  I don't want to do it.

I feel like everybody wants me to be the same old guy I used to be.  It can never be the same again.

Monday

It's been a little while since my last post.  I just seem to have lost interest in keeping up.

We just got back from a week in Colorado.  I hesitated to go, but since it was more of a family vacation, we went.  I sure missed my little man when I was there.

We got Masons death certificate last week.  I guess it's official now.  Now my broke ass can get the little life insurance money on him and I can afford to get the headstone built and set.  I could borrow the money from my parents, but it just wouldn't be the same.  So I wait.





I'm still just so damned angry.  What good could possibly come of this?  I'm fucking sick and tired of seeing everyone else just go on.  I come in to work (were I USED to be the funny guy, making smartass comments all the time) and just get pissed off at people who expect me to be the same old me.

THAT guy died April 7th.

Didn't they get the memo???

Don't they understand?????

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COD

We got the call today.  Finally found out what the Cause Of Death was.

Severe Coronary Artery Disease - due to transplant, or Coronary Allograft Vasculopathy.

He had been having little spells for the last few months of his life.  Mason tended to be overly dramatic about most things, so we never really knew how bad it was.  He would have spells where he would get really dizzy and nauseated.  He'd go vomit and 2 minutes later, he was back to his old self.  Jumping and bouncing off the walls like a wild man.

He had his annual biopsy just this past October.  He was 9 years out.  Biopsy results looked great.  Again.  Just like they always had.

Evidently, this SEVERE CAV comes on rapidly. Even if we had known what it was, we probably could not have done anything about it.  We could have taken him in to the hospital and he would have spent the majority of his last few months on this earth in the hospital, instead of with us.


I'm glad I didn't know.


I wish I would have known.


Oh, Mason.  I am so very sorry I didn't protect you like I was supposed to.  I failed.  I am so very sorry, son.  

I Love You.

I Miss You.

 

Felt like I needed to....

You ever get the feeling that there is something that you need to do?

I got that feeling the other day.  Last year, a friend of mine had told me about a guy who had an extremely tragic event in his life.  He lost his son AND his wife to a drunk driver travelling on the wrong side of the road.  It's just him and his remaining 2 boys.

They had a benefit for him last summer.  I remember thinking, 'Man, that's got to be rough'.  I donated, of course, hoping that what little I was able to give would help him out.

I didn't have any idea how tough it was.  I realize that this is not a contest, but I only lost my son.  He lost his youngest son and his wife.  I don't know what I would do without my wife.

Anyway, that event happened about 18 months ago.  I was thinking about him just the other day.  I know it is a long road for anybody who has to deal with it, so it still has to be pretty fresh in his memory.  I ordered another copy of Kelley Farleys' book, Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back.  http://www.grievingdads.com/pre-order-book/


I wrote him a letter and sent him a copy of the book.  What I have found through my continuous reading and researching is that you need to talk with people who have been there.  I wrote in the letter that I was willing to make contact with him if he would like.  I think it might help him out.  I KNOW it would help me.

I hope that he doesn't read the letter and think I am trying to get something out of him.  I tried to make it very clear that I was available to talk with him and that if he didn't want any kind of communication, that that would be fine.  We each have to deal with our grief in our own way.  I completely respect that.

Update:  I offered to make contact with him.  I guess in my heart I was really wanting to connect with somebody that was around my age and was going through a difficult time.  As of now, I haven't heard from him.  And that is fine.

Normal

Normal.  I'll never be 'normal' ever again.

I absolutely LOVE to fly fish.  I'm a member of a fly fishing board that is pretty rough around the edges.  But it is also full of some really good people.  There were several guys who showed up at Masons viewing that I had only met once before.  They drove a pretty good distance to come see Mason and I.  On the day of the funeral, another member showed up that I had only met once before, and he had another guy with him that I had never met.  Only bs'ed back and forth on the internet.  Those 2 came from over 100 miles!!!  And yet another came from a considerable distance to both the viewing and the funeral.

Not long after Mason had passed, I was at work.  My wife calls me and says I got something interesting in the mail today.  The envelope had no return address.  Where the return address should have been, it just said "********* Brethren".  Inside this envelope was a check for $1100, if I remember correctly.  I noted what bank it was from and I had a pretty good idea who was behind it.  They never confessed, but I thanked them all for their kind gesture.  It meant a lot.

That is a great bunch of guys.  In the short time that I have known them, they have done a lot for me.  I'll never forget that.

All of that brings me here.  One of the 'brethren' lost his mother to cancer a few days ago.  This weekend, my wife and I made a road trip out to see him and pay our respects at the funeral.  We sat in the back.  He saw us in the back and came over to greet us, telling us the usual "you didn't have to come".  I felt I needed to be there.  I didn't dare go near the casket, and I couldn't go to the graveside memorial.  I wasn't ready to handle that emotionally. 

I just gave him a hug and let him know that I was praying for him and his family.  A lot of times, that is all I need.  A hand on the shoulder or a great big bear hug.  A little reassurance that eventually, everything will be alright. 

Eventually, I'll be able to hug my son again.  I Love You Mason.  I miss you so much.

Grieving Dads

I finished this book the other day.  Very good book.  Don't remember exactly how I found it, but I'm glad I did.  I wrote up a little review on Amazon.  http://www.amazon.com/review/R2ARO2GBF6BHYW/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0985205180&nodeID=283155&store=books

Here is the website for "Grieving Dads".  Good Info there, too:  http://www.grievingdads.com/home-page/

I highly recommend it for the fathers of children who have passed.

Father's Day - 2012

Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in many, many years.  Father's Day, no less.  It was quite the celebration for fathers.  It was my first Fathers Day without Mason.  Oh, what I would have given for a hug from my little man yesterday morning.  Or this morning.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing around the house, spending time with the family.  Finished a book I ordered about grieving dads.  Very good book.  It let me know that I am not alone.  The crazy thoughts in my head are nothing new.  Others have been through this before.  There are resources out there that can help.  I just have to get my mind right that I need help.

God, I miss you Mason.  I Love You Son..........

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Just an afterthought.

The preacher on Sunday was speaking about children and fathers.  He made the comment that no child is an accident.  It was all part of Gods plan.

How do miscarriages fit into Gods plan?

Are they accidents?

See

We went to a grief support meeting last Sunday.  While I understand the concept of talking it out with others who have "been there", I find it difficult to speak.  Maybe it is too early still.  The others in the meeting are all very nice.  I guess there were 9 of us in there, including my wife and I.  We were the youngest in the group by far.  I'm sure that the group will be beneficial to me/us, but I don't know that I am ready for it yet.

Today makes 9 weeks since we buried Mason.  http://rosewood.cc/obituary.php?id=1622

It seems like a million years ago.  It seems like yesterday.  The emotion is just as raw and hard now as it ever was.  I have so many regrets.  So, so many regrets.

Mason was able to donate his eyes and his knees.  I'm not sure if anything else was used.  They did use some of his other organs to study, so hopefully that information will help somebody else in the future.

We got a "Thank You" card from the Lions Eye Bank in the mail yesterday.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I understand that it is what it is.  They are just communicating their appreciation.  I don't want any thanks.  I want my son back.

I hope that his beautiful eyes are being used today by someone who could not see before.  I hope that his gift will give someone else the gift of sight.  So they can see there parents for the first time.  So they can see their child for the first time.  So they can see the blue sky for the first time.

Broken

April 7, 2012

My wife Brandi and I are spending some time together out of town before I start a project at work that will consume most of my time for the next few weeks.  The kids, Mason (11) and Isabella (16 mos), are at my parents house for the weekend.  Early on that Saturday morning, we get a phone call that Mason is not feeling very good.  He was jumping on the bed and playing with his little sister just a few minutes ago.  Now he is dizzy and nauseated.  Brandi tells them to call 911.  The last thing Mason says to his mother is "Momma, I'm scared...."

We got dressed and jumped in the truck for the 75 mile drive to the hospital.  We kept in contact with Mom & Dad getting updates as often as we could.  Life Flight had been called in and they were going to transport him to Texas Children's Hospital just as soon as they could get him stabilized.  One hour after we got the phone call, we meet up at the ER.  Doctors and Nurses are frantically working to save my precious son.  CPR is being performed by several individuals, all taking their turn, not wanting to give up.  After we were there for about 30 minutes, the doctor called it.  He stopped the CPR, brought in the all too familiar echo machine, and showed us a very still, lifeless heart.

It was 09:10.........

Captain Obvious

I started this blog after the passing of Mason (obviously).  So take note that even though these dates are before he passed, I actually just recently wrote them.  They are intended to be a little history to our story.

Why

Went to the doctor today for the final results.  We were in a few days ago and it looks like we have a "Bad Pregnancy".  No motion on the baby.  Probably didn't make it past 4 or 5 weeks along.  It was probably over before we knew we were pregnant.

Why?

A New Addition

Brandi took a pregnancy test today.  Positive!!!!  So Looking forward to the new addition!!!!