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What the World Will Miss

I have often wondered what kind of man Mason would have grown to be.  Even before he passed, I wondered about it.

My father is a great man.  He's not rich.  He's not in the best of health.  To anybody else, he's just another man walking down the street.  But to me, he is great.  I love him more than I could ever tell him or show him.

He (and my mother, of course) raised me up right.  Tried to instill good values in me and to always do what was right, even though it was usually harder.  I didn't always do what I should have, but feel like I did alright.

I tried to instill those same values in Mason.  I told him from very early on that he had been dealt a bad hand.  He was going to have to work harder than the others just to keep up.  That's just the way things are.  He was a typical little boy I guess, in the sense that he had that typical little boy attitude.  He already knew everything, just as I probably did back in the day, too.

Obviously, since Mason has passed on, we will never know what he would grow up to be.  But, after reading an entry from his funeral page, I feel like I was on the right track.  It reads as follows:

"My son and Mason were classmates this year. We just learned of the heartbreaking news. I had to pull my son out this week for homeschooling due to harassment from other children. Only Mason was different he says. When no other boy would sit with him at lunch or talk to him Mason was always there. Thank you Mason for being a wonderful friend to my son! God bless your family"

Every time I read that, I get a tear down my eye and a smile on my face.  That's the boy I wanted him to be.  That's my little man.

I feel like the world will miss out on something very special.  I know I will.

6 Months Out

Yesterday, we have been 6 months without Mason.  My God, I don't know how we have gotten this far. 

It seems like it was yesterday I was dropping him off at Nana's house.

It seems like a thousand years since I've seen his goofy smile.

Another shitty memory for this very weekend.  Yesterday was the preliminary due date for our 3rd child.  I should be home or at the hospital right now holding a brand new baby.  Today is not a school day, so Mason should be right there with me.  Should be 5 of us.  Now it is only 3.

I'm just completely lost.  It amazes me that people can just continue on with their lives.  Other than just surviving day to day and taking care of my wife and daughter, I don't know how to pick up and move on.

I have barely survived the past 6 months.  How the hell am I supposed to survive the next 30, 40 or 50 years?

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

Anthony Griffith in a not so funny performance:

I wish I could express myself like this.  I can't hardly write about it much less talk about it, especially in front of people......

Prayer

Does Prayer Work?

I am not questioning whether or not God exists, but whether or not prayer works?  I know with all my heart that God exists.  I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  I believe that He died on the cross for my sins.

But, it is also my belief that our lives are pre-determined.  Maybe not every detail of our lives, but the Lord knows what we are going to do lifetimes ahead of when we do it.  So everything is already laid out for us and the decisions we make have essentially already been made.

When we pray, we are usually asking God for something.  We ask for new jobs, more money, winning the lottery, better health and just to continue to look over us in our day to day lives.  When we pray, God listens to our prayers.  Obviously, He decides what to answer and what not to.  Would He modify our 'life path' due to our prayers?

On the other hand, He already knows what we will pray for.  He already knows which prayers will be answered and which will not.  It has all been laid out.

So I ask again.  Does Prayer Work?

Ending it all

Suicide.

Can you think of any reason you would do it?

Can anything in this world be so bad that you would take your own life?

I believe the answer to that is yes.

For the first time, I can understand how people can get to such a low place that they can do the unthinkable.

I am fortunate in the fact that I have a very supportive family.  I know that I can go to them with anything and they will support me or just listen to me.

I am also fortunate that I have my loving wife and daughter.  It's strange that a toddler can keep an entire family together.  I have held it together (for the most part) because of her.

Mason absolutely adored her.  I wish he could be here to see her now.  He would be amazed at how much she has grown.

I know, without a doubt, that I am better off right now because of her.  If it hadn't been for the responsibility of taking care of her needs, I'd be completely lost.  Maybe in the bottom of a bottle.  Maybe sleeping on a cardboard mat under an overpass.  Maybe dead.

Now, I don't want everyone who reads this (both of you) to over react and try some kind of intervention.  I'm not suicidal.  This post was about understanding.  I can understand how people would be driven to do things that are unimaginable to others.

I Love You Mason.  I Miss You.

Hurt

"Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair"

Each day seems to get harder and harder. I miss my boy and nothing will ever bring him back.

Mason was my shadow for 11 years.  I try not to compare losses.  I am curious though as to the differences in them (if there are any).

Like a miscarriage.  Brandi was pregnant earlier this year.  We lost the baby just before Mason passed.  Was that the same?  To me it wasn't.  And yet it was.  I was very upset over losing the pregnancy.  It paled in comparison to losing Mason.

Fortunately, I haven't lost any other children.  I hope I never have to.  Don't know if I could survive that (more on this later).

My uncle passed away last year.  His mother, my grandmother, is still alive and kicking.  Going strong for the most part.  I have wanted to talk with her about it, but I really don't know what to say.  Like me, she has lost a child.  Granted, her 'child' was 67 years old.  But it was still her child.

Is there any difference?  Miscarriage?  Stillbirth?  Infant?  Toddler?  Child?  Teenager?  Young Adult?  Adult?  Senior?  I don't know.  While I am curious, I really don't want to know.  If I have learned anything about this whole ordeal, it is this.  You don't "KNOW" until it has happened to you.  I don't want to experience that again.  I can't experience it again.

I Love You, Son.  I Miss You So Very Much.

39

Had my 39th birthday just the other day.  I'm another year older, something Mason will never be.

I often think about the things Mason will never have.  While I am confident that he is in a much better place and that these little "milestones of life" really don't matter all that much to him, I am still sad that he will not experience them.  And I won't be able to see him experience them.....

• Graduate High School - Mason HATED school.  It was a battle nearly everyday to get him out of bed and ready for school.  Then when homework time come around, it was even worse.  He always told us he didn't need school.  I guess he was right.
• Graduate College - Probably not.  See above.  (although, it would have been forced upon him anyway)
• Getting Married - 
• Having Kids - By far, my 2 greatest days ever were the days Mason and Isabella were born.  His kids would have been my grandchildren.
• Just watching him grow into becoming a man - I'd love to be there for him like my father has always been there for me.

Just a few milestones in life.  There are so many more scattered in between those, so many more that will never happen.

I miss you, Mason.  I will always love you, son.

Too Early

I am very devoted to my work.  I work when I don't have to.  Work is always on my mind.  It just seems natural.

The work that I do, I am kind of a one man show.  I have several people that I depend on to help me make my obligations, but the end result that I supply to my clients, I am the go-to guy.  Now, I am not tooting my own horn here.  There are lots of people out there like me, and they are in similar situations.  I guess what I am saying is, there's not anybody that can just come in and take over seamlessly where I left off with out a lot of time being invested.  And time is something we don't have.

When Mason died, my boss told me to take all the time I needed.  While that was a very kind gesture, it wasn't really practical.  Mason died on April 7th, 2012.  I had a MAJOR project kicking off on April 12th.  It would last for a planned 36 days.

We buried Mason on April 12th.  I took the 13th, a Friday, no less, off to gather my things and head out of town to go back to work.

On Saturday, I returned to work.  While in one regard it was a blessing, I had lots to do and kept my mind busy.  On the other hand, it was a HUGE mistake.  I should have been home and letting things sink in.  In hindsight, I would have asked my boss to bring someone else in.  I could spend a day or two with them and get them the basics down and they could have limped through it.  I really wasn't doing them any good anyway.

After the project was complete, I took 2 weeks off to be at home.  It just wasn't the same.  My wife was already somewhat 'used' to being at home without Mason.  I was just starting that phase.  I was jealous that she was farther along in the grieving process than I was.